I AM GOING TO HAVE A SECOND BABY AND MY BRAIN IS SPINNING

In case you missed my mentions of it before/on the internet, I’m
pregnant again, and due relatively soon, and… man I am feeling weird
about it. I went to the doctor the other day and she said, “how are
you? Eh, don’t tell me, you’re afraid of the newborn phase again
but you’re excited to not be pregnant anymore.”

She’s… spot on, heh.

I’m so nervous. And it’s such a strange feeling, because on top of
the nerves, I’m also so excited, because my firstborn daughter (who
is almost two years old! Ahh!) is awesome. Even though we have ups and
downs of being able to sleep well and trying to potty train and all
that jazz, watching her learn and take in the world and laugh (and
JOKE AROUND! This being who was once an actual blob can now make a
JOKE!!!) has filled me with the greatest joy and love that words
really can’t describe.

I’m so thrilled to make her a little friend. I’m so afraid of
dealing with postpartum recovery and depression again. I’m hyped to
not be pregnant. I’m terrified of giving birth again.

It’s been a better pregnancy this time around. I think it’s
because I know what to expect compared to last time. Like whenever I
get a certain pain or twinge or rush of feelings, I’m like “oh
yeah, this again,” rather than, “WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME??”
which… is good? But also it’s still not my favorite state of
being. I really, really want salmon sashimi, specifically. I can’t
wait.

And to add more to the pile of feelings, I’m also both grateful and
nervous about leaving work. I have been really enjoying my role at
GitHub, and their parental leave policy is _so_ much better than the
typical U.S. startup that I’m used to. But… I also suffer from
fomo and know that there’s some really cool stuff coming soon that
I’m kinda bummed to not be a part of. And I’m also so grateful for
having more than 3 months off. But I’m also hoping to not miss too
much. Why is my BRAIN like this??

Anyway.

Brain is wacky. Body is tired. Baby #2 is coming.